020 a thankful soul

Results was announced last Tuesday. It is a torturing thing; waiting. Not knowing what lies in the future.

I was prepared for the worst, even planning the time to go back to Malaysia even just for a few days after Qualifying Exams results were released. I won’t say that I was fully prepared but my mind had at least basked with the thought of failing this exam.

And honestly speaking, I was not expecting much.

Why?

Considering my efforts; be it study-wise or the most important thing which is my supplication to Allah; was not the best that I could give. I know I can and was supposed to supplicate more, to prostate every night in the midst of night silence to Him. I should be more consistent in my studies. I should not sometime have this turbulent feelings (feeling of being left out, not given attention) about the people around me. I should have known, realized and put into action that Allah is the only one who will patiently listen to my whims every second of the day.

But I did not do those things to my best ability.

picture by me

And, when he blessed me with yet another blessing, I feel guilty. Of course I was thankful and I was happy. But deep down, I know that I do not deserve this. I should have not gotten this.

I don’t deserve this.

But He knows what is best for me. He knows everything that is kept as a secret from me.

Alhamdulillah. Alhamdulillah. Praise be to Allah. For every blessings that He had showered me with. A loving family, wonderful friends (which sometimes I tend to take for granted for), a healthy body, a sound mind, living in a peaceful country. And passing the exams with another Excellant. What more could I ask?

I don’t have anything more to ask.

Nor do I want this success to hinder me from continuously prostate, supplicate to Him. I don’t want this to make me distance myself from Him.

I’ll continue to struggle to better myself. I’ll continue to struggle to stay close to Him. To become a light that illuminates, not the light which obscures. I know that I will fall sometimes, but I will get back up confidently (with His mercy) and continue this short voyage.

You can never attain piety unless you spend (in the way of Allah) of what you love; surely Allah will have full knowledge of what you spend.
[Ali Imran 3:92]

Thank you also to my beloved family who continuously supports and is always patient with me. To the beautiful people around me; my comrades. Ultimately thank you Allah. Thank you Allah. Thank you for not giving up on me. Thank you for listening to my whims. Thank you for hearing my problems (which I never tell people since I am a secretive person). Thank you for the countless blessings since I took my first breath 22 years ago.

Thank you Allah. Alhamdulillah. I will try my best not to fail you (though I am fully aware that you do not need me but I do desperately need you).